Sometime life just catches up with you, smacks you across the face and leaves you trying to catch your breath. That happened. There were a couple things going on personally that I was a little in denial about. I was doing a pretty good job keeping that together until I started having trouble with work stuff over the weekend. And then the weight of it all just hits at once. Aaand...breakdown. That happened at approximately 7:10 this morning. I was about 2 minutes late for the teacher bus because I hadn't been able to sleep much the night before because of stress from another issue which I will get to in a second. And for some reason, holding up the teacher bus just made me lose it. Straw that broke the camels back. In front of all the teachers. First actual anxiety attack I think I've ever had. Like I was seriously having trouble breathing. And then the tears started. Lovely.
All this was because of an issue with a parent of one of my students. Well, that was the initiating incident, made worse by the background stuff that had been building. But anyway, I have not really had parent issues all year. I've had parents that I've had to communicate with to deal with certain behavior issues, etc. but all had been very supportive. And I know that parents come along with teaching, but I just got totally caught off guard with this one. Three e-mails in one day, over the weekend, all in a passive aggressive attack mode. And from someone I have not once met or spoke with because they are not even in this country at the moment. It was just a mess. Neuroscience was thrown in my face.
And to be honest, the more I have reflected on the situation, I know there are deeper issues going on within this person. I know a bit of the family situation/previous education history and in a way its being taken out on me.
And I've learned quite a bit from this experience. I work really hard at teaching. I want to be a good teacher for my students. And no, I'm not a perfect teacher. But I try really hard. I daily put the pressure on myself, knowing that I am responsible in large part for these young children. Responsible for their education intellectually, spiritually, socially etc. It is not something I take lightly by any means. I think I've even written previous posts about that. And I care deeply about each student. As an individual. And I desire to see them succeed-- and work to that aim. Because I don't want to fail. For myself and also because if I do, I have the potential to mess these kids up.
And I think I put so much effort into being a good teacher, that in some ways, it has become a form of identity. I want to be a good teacher. Which is good, don't get me wrong, but I think I take it a little too far sometimes. As evidenced by my freakout. I don't think I'm a bad teacher. I make mistakes, sure, plenty of them, but I don't think I'm doing a bad job. I think at times, I'm a pretty decent teacher. At least, I sure as heck try and care a ton about it. And my students have learned a lot this year. But I let this woman's comments shake my confidence in myself. I got so upset, because she stroked on an insecurity and fear I have. I got so upset because she questioned a piece of my identity. Which is not what she really did, but how I took it. Because I took it personally.
And I'm still reading Sex God, by Rob Bell. Catchy title, I know, but its not all about that. For example, today I was reading and it kind of reminded me of my situation today. And how quick we/I am to place my identity in other things. "Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. {...} You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator." (emphasis was added by me). And this thing I have as being a (good) teacher is only the most recent way I've tried to identify myself and find value. And because of that, the moment it was questioned, I crumbled.
Learned a lot from today. Learned to accept what is spoken to me in humility, glean what I can from it, and then throw the rest out because my identity doesn't lie in that. Funny, this is sounding familiar. I read a book to my students by Max Lucado today called You are Special (I think that's what its called). Anyway, the characters in the book give each other yellow star stickers for good things and gray dot stickers for what is perceived as bad things. But one girl doesn't have any stickers. They just fall off because it doesn't matter to her what they say. It only matters what her creator thinks. Kid concepts that still translate to big kid life lessons.
A positive teacher moment to end with... For the last few months or so I have been meeting individually with each of my students once a week. Just to talk through how they are doing in all aspects-- what they are proud of, what they are working on, goals, etc. I use it as a time to really encourage them to challenge and set goals for themselves. One boy has trouble focusing on getting work accomplished at times, especially coming in the morning and getting started on morning warm up stuff. So he made a goal last week to come in in the morning, put his stuff away and come straight to his seat and get started so he could finish with the rest of the class. And without remembering this goal, I pointed out to the class this morning how he did a nice job getting started right away. And he called me over and said,"Miss Tusing, I made my goal!" To be honest I forgot what he was talking about at first (crazy morning). But then he explained that he came in right away and got started like we had talked about, and was able to finish his morning work. Makes you feel good to see that kind of stuff.
Love it.
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