I have a love/hate relationship with change. I know great things can come from change. I know that change many times means growth. Sometimes its nice to switch things up. And other times, it just stinks. It is painful to watch what you love and have become comfortable with not be the same. But it happens. And I've heard people say dealing with it gets easier. But I still feel the sting when I know things are going to be different.
Today was the last regular day of school for the high school seniors. The actual last day for the ones who are exempt from exams. And I don't know many of them well, but I know their names and faces. Our school is so small, it is a really tight community. Everybody knows everybody. And these seniors have been together in the same class since pre-kindergarten. I think there are like eleven of them. And I watched today as one of the senior boys walked out of his classroom, closed the door, put his head in his arms against the wall and cried. Just cried. And I knew it was a cry of "change is coming". I could tell. I don't really know this kid, but I know the feeling. Recognized it from a mile away. You know its all going to be okay, sure, but its still a process of mourning the loss of how things have been. Saying goodbye. Because, sure, he'll probably be friends with these people for the rest of his life, but it will never be quite the same. Stepping into unknown territory is scary. Even if you know it will be for your benefit, for your growth, it is still hard to let go of things the way you know them. And a part of me wanted to cry with him a little.
Changes are coming for me too, faster than I can process. Not as life changing as changes I've made in the past, but significant nonetheless. I have a week, less than a week, left with my students. My first class ever. I'm with them all day, every day. I've watched them grow. And I also have about 2 weeks left with a staff of people, many of whom have come to be good friends. Many of them are moving on after this year. They won't be coming back. And that's going to be a huge change for me.
And you know what I've learned over the years? As I've walked, sometimes jumped, from one chapter of life into the next, and then on into others? I've learned that for me, it has only maybe gotten one iota easier. And I realize that didn't sound very hopeful. BUT, I have also learned how to finish things well and how to dig deep and fully submerge into situations even if you are aware of the pain that will be caused when it comes time to move on. Because it is worth it. I've learned that its okay to mourn a little when you say goodbye. And I've also learned to trust, because every new change has brought new joys with it.
And that's where I am now. Trying my best to end this year well with my students. To make the most of these last few weeks with staff members. To treasure the memories from this year. And to look forward to what is next. Which has been made a little easier by the current 1st graders...soon to be my new students. They know that I will be their teacher next year. And of course they know me already, and I know them. And several of them have made comments to me this week. One mischievous little boy looked up at me, and raised his eyebrows at me and with a sly little smile said, "Miss Tusing, I will see you." To which I asked, "See me where?" "I will see you next year when you are our teacher."
And then another one, who likes to invite his current teacher over to his house for play dates every once in a while (which is not weird here, I promise), said to me at lunch the other day, "Miss Tusing, I will play with you next year!" To which I said, "I look forward to it!" And I do.
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